Time is such a crazy thing. We get fixated on some thing and it feels like it will never come to be, and then before you know it, it's not only happened but feels like "old hat".
When Collin was 18 months old, Jarrod and I decided we might be ready to have another baby. It took us 6 months to get pregnant with Collin (which felt like an eternity at the time), so I told myself I would chill out and be patient as we waited to conceive this time around. Several months (along with many life events) went by, eventually turning into a year, and it was no longer possible for me to chill. I was plagued by the fact that Collin was only getting older, I was only getting older, and we still were parents to an only child. Jarrod was under a lot of stress with work and school, so having a crazy wife at home who just wanted to be pregnant again was probably not the most enjoyable thing for him to deal with at the end of the day.
I'm not good at waiting. Hate it. Not good at being out of control. Not good at not having a PLAN.
Collin started to ask questions about siblings. He started referring to the dog as his "Sissy". He started praying at bedtime for God to send us a baby. Secretly I thought, "God, if you won't give ME a baby, how about giving this sweet, little boy one? He doesn't ever ask for anything, and he would be the most amazing big brother."
You know how it goes... We had countless friends become pregnant and give birth during this time. I saw pregnant women everywhere. Jarrod and I joked that we were going to get rid of Facebook because every time we opened it, someone was announcing their pregnancy or doing a gender reveal. It just felt like it would n.e.v.e.r. happen for us. I started to believe so many lies from Satan during this time... Maybe I wasn't a very good mom, and the Lord knew I couldn't handle another child. Maybe this was punishment for being so miserable during my pregnancy with Collin and being a really bratty pregnant lady. I would bargain with the Lord and promised that if I got pregnant again, I would relish the time spent carrying a child. I wouldn't complain about discomfort or body image. I would suck it up and be a peach of a pregnant lady. (HA! If you were around me during my twin pregnancy, you know this promise lasted for about 5 minutes!)
People would comment on how Collin needed a sibling. They'd ask when we were going to go for #2. If I learned nothing else from this period of my life, it's that you never know what's going on in someone else's marriage. I will never again look at a couple and wonder why they don't have kids yet or why they don't have more than one child.
So early last year, when my faith felt so weak, I began to "pray with audacity". Our church read the book Gospel by JD Greear, and there's a chapter titled Expect Great Things. I journaled an excerpt from the chapter: As I pray, I'll measure your compassion by the cross and your power by the resurrection. And the verse Luke 11:13 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give...
Over the past year or two, I have also been going through a prayer journal of Flannery O'Connor's. On the morning of April 9, 2014, something she wrote in her own journal struck a chord with me and I wrote it down. She wrote, "Oh Lord....Help me with this life that seems so treacherous, so disappointing."
That afternoon I took a pregnancy test and remembered that I was being audacious with my prayers, so I boldly declared that it would be positive. (Probably knowing in the back of my mind that I was going to go through another month of negative pregnancy tests and feeling bummed for a day or two before snapping out of it and doing the whole cycle again.) It was positive. I actually said aloud, "SHUT. UP."
Jarrod was at work, Collin was at daycare, and I was working. I tried to work as usual that afternoon, but it was rough! I actually blurted out to a dear friend and coworker that I'd just had a positive pregnancy test. So I technically told someone else before Jarrod...whoops! I ended up taking 3 different tests that afternoon because I just could not believe it. 18 months of trying. Collin went from being a baby-faced 18 month old, to a full-on 3 year old little boy in that time period.
I couldn't keep it a secret long enough to put together some elaborate way to tell Jarrod and Collin, so on my way to pick Collin up from daycare, I stopped at a local flower shop and bought a blue balloon and a pink balloon. The lady helping me asked if they were for twins; I told her no and that it was for a pregnancy announcement. She got a huge smile on her face and congratulated me.
I hid the balloons in the back of the car so no one could see them, got Collin from school, and we went home. Jarrod was tired and sweaty from work. He was working on getting the grill lit for dinner, so I ran to retrieve one of the pregnancy tests while he was outside and I tied the balloons to the test. Collin came in the room as I was doing this, and of course he wanted to know what in the world was going on in that room. Because, BALLOONS!
I gave the bundle to Collin, and he took off down the hall to meet Jarrod in the kitchen. This is what happened next...
I was a bundle of nerves, so my voice sounds super weird! Yes, Collin uncapped the pee-stick. No, he never touched it. Yes, Jarrod got emotional. Best 49 seconds ever.
I sent my Dad this picture as a text while talking on the phone with my mom so I could hear their reactions.
We were spending the following weekend in Little Rock with Jarrod's mom, dad and sister, so we waited to tell them for a week. Collin spilled the beans to everyone at his daycare in a matter of days. Beyond that, we didn't really tell anyone other than our Small Group from church.
I texted my dearest girlfriends from college this picture July 4th weekend. I was already showing quite a bit and unable to wear a lot of my normal clothes.
And as you all know, on July 14 we went to find out the gender of our baby, only to find out that we were having TWINS. I'll never forget Collin saying on the car ride home, "But Mommy, we only prayed for ONE baby!"
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| TWINS! |
My pregnancy was filled with a lot of fear. A lot of discomfort. A lot of surprises. The only constant that I could hold to was reminding myself of the Lord's provision. Remembering the things He had done for us up to that point and reminding myself of Luke 11:13. And also Colossians 1:17, "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together."
So one year later... I sit thinking of the same things once again. Jarrod and I are so sleep deprived. We're going through each day in survival mode. We miss each other. With one baby for each of us and parenting Collin in between, it's rough. There's nothing extra. I am consumed with trying to work and keep everyone fed, clothed and content. Jarrod is finishing up his semester in pharmacy school, so he's consumed with tests, projects and presentations along with keeping people fed, clothed and content. It's a lot. But when I look back at last year and remember the longing we felt for another child, I am reminded that this is only for a season. Because the Lord provides.
And it helps to look at that picture of Jarrod and Collin in the doctor's office! To remember the exact moment I saw two circles on the ultrasound screen and realized I had two lives growing inside of me. Remembering that moment never gets old! Nor does it ever get old watching the video from when Jarrod and Collin first found out I was pregnant. One year ago today we were a family of three made ecstatic by an answer to our prayers.
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