Need a Redo

There was crying this morning.  Crying and stomping and throwing things.  Collin wanted a snack right as it was time to leave the house.  And he wanted to pick out another sippy cup from the cabinet.  I found myself rushing over to the cabinet, about to tell him to quickly pick out a cup (even though there is no such thing as quick picking with him), and then I realized that this was not ok.  No, he could not pick out a cup just because he wanted to stall leaving for daycare.  So I told him no and headed for the door.  When I looked back, he was standing - staring up at me with his adorable, brown eyes and his jacket on the floor.  He had ripped it off, thrown it on the floor and was waiting for my reaction. 

I put it back on him, picked him up and headed for the door, again.  This time he reached for the pantry and asked for a "bar".  I told him he couldn't have a cereal bar because he makes too much of a mess with them in the car, and he started howling.

I made it out the door, locking it behind me and had started for the car when guilt flooded me.  What if he really is hungry?  What if you're sending your child off to daycare hungry?  He is SO skinny, it won't hurt him to eat something more this morning.  Turn around, boy on hip, unlock door, enter house and open pantry.

He wasn't satisfied with the cereal bar, he also wanted a fruit pouch.  Now I'm thinking he will make a huge mess in the car, not to mention that the ride from our house to daycare isn't long enough to eat each of these.  I say no.  Choose one or the other.  He starts howling.

Now I'm thinking I am failing.  If another mother were witnessing this she would certainly think I'm an idiot.  I'm ruining him.  I am failing my baby.

I grab a cereal bar and a fruit pouch, carry them and him to the car again.  Buckle him in his carseat and open the cereal bar.  He starts to eat it.  I get into my seat, start the car and begin backing down the driveway.  He asks me for the fruit pouch.  I tell him to eat his cereal bar first, and he can have the fruit next.  He starts crying and tells me, "NO!"  I put the fruit pouch in my purse and tell him he's not getting it at all.  He starts howling with a mouthful of cereal bar.  I am such a failure right now.

On the way out of our neighborhood, he's crying, "Daddy!  Daddy, hold you!  Daddy, hold you!!!"  I tell him Daddy is at work.

And I'm thinking, Father!  Hold me.  What do I do?

A few minutes pass, the crying stops and suddenly Collin says, "Airpane, Mommy!"

I make a turn, and he says, "Where it go?  Where airpane, Mommy?"

I say, "Did you see an airplane?"

He says, "Shhyeah!!"

Thank you, Lord.  Thank you for grace and for provision.  Thank you for airplanes, and thank you for tomorrow, when we can both try it all over again.